I Broke In My New Bed, and All I Got Was This Crummy Condom Wrapper

After the break up of a long term and serious relationship there are all kinds of firsts; First date, first kiss, first time getting laid etc. Some people subscribe heavily to the idea that the only way to get over someone is to get under someone new. (This is bullshit by the way, unless you are a sociopath, but keep telling yourself that as you block out the past to not fully feel the pain, and in turn, learn absolutely nothing from your mistakes… but I digress).

Being just over three months out of a relationship, I, the flattest April of all time, decided it was time to test the waters and maybe see if there really was some sort of plus to being under someone new. But who?

I live in a medium sized populated area in beautiful SW Florida. that is over run by old people who retired from New York, Canada, and Michigan. I’m talking white hair and wrinkles on every street corner, every grocery aisle, and driving at 25 mph in front of you on the roads. I would consider hooking up with a younger man and becoming an extreme cougar, but I’m NOT sleeping with a 65 year old retiree. (apology to the older men out there.. but, no wrinkly balls for me) Those older men tell me all the time what a catch I am with no kids, good career, no baggage (jokes on them), but they obviously don’t see how flat I am, and they just want a younger woman to want them.

Let’s also be honest here, and I am eventually looking for a life partner so I’m not going to jump in the sack with a new guy just to do it… so that leaves …THE PAST (Cue creepy and looming music).  I have rules about the past, and my advice to everyone is to not revisit it, no matter the messed up circumstances. This is a topic I am sure I will revisit in another post, very soon, because the past seems to be slithering out of the woodwork recently.

Going through my past dates/relationships/pseudo relationships/one night stands (I know, I sound like SUCH a slut!) only one person made sense… and we shall call him Matt. I hate to psychoanalyze my dates… oh, who am I kidding… I LOVE to psychoanalyze men. I pretty much knew Matt would still be single. He’s sweet, a bit awkward and is resistant to any sort of commitment. I’m even referring to commitments like “Hey, lets go see a movie tomorrow night!” or “Hey, do you want to get something to eat later.”  Girls, we have all “talked too” these kinds of men and though they may not be interested in actually seeing you, they will text you nonstop and they will go out of their way to sleep with you. They are dirty bastards whom I like to refer to as total and utter “time wasters.”

Matt was PERFECT as my test subject. I was well past the thought of anything more involved happening with Matt. I knew what he was all about, and I knew I wasn’t going to rekindle whatever I had felt in the past. To top it off, Matt also tried to reach out to me a few times when I was involved with my ex. It all just made sense.

So… I reached out…

You know how they say people don’t change? Yep, it’s true. Same guy, same situation, and same crummy jokes made while over texting… all….day…long.

The other day, Matt was a little more flirtatious than he had been over the past week. I could tell he was going in for the kill, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he really didn’t have to kill anything.  I wanted to break the seal of my relationship monogamy to see how I felt about it.  So I just played along to make him feel like he actually caught something. (dating 101, let him chase you)

That night I rented some Red Box movies but they were out of the one I wanted to see, and Matt brought over some food. I asked for lo mein and got Burger King, which makes sense. This is where I feel really badly… he actually went out of his way to get me the movie I wanted to see too, which was super sweet! WHY DO THEY DO THAT?!  And why do I read into it as anything other than “this guy wants to get laid.” Thinking back, if he really put some effort into it he would have shown up with that lo mein dammit.

We watched the movie… and I’m sure you are still reading this because you think I’m going to go all 50 Shade of Gray right now and talk about heavy panting and bondage. I could (well, no, there was no bondage) but I’ll leave it like this: It was ok….

My brand new bed in my brand new apartment is officially broken in. The next morning when I woke up, I found this lovely Magnum condom wrapper laying on my nightstand to remind me of the my transgressions from the previous evening. I could only lay there and think to myself… “A Trojan Magnum… isn’t that for very large guys?”

Guys…. they love the chase, and they love to get laid. Many of them love variety and conquering new women. Many of them use women as an outlet to move on from a relationship, however, I am so different from that, because it honestly felt very empty. Sex without any feelings is just what it is, sex. It’s a waste of energy that could be used in a 2 minute session with my vibrator, cleaning the kitchen, and then walking the dog. I’m not sure this particular “first” really helped me to move on in my new single lifestyle.

Flat April’s First Broken Rule of Dating: Don’t look for meaningless interludes to take away the pain.

Crazy enough, now I have fears that maybe he’s actually thinking of taking this further and that puts a knot in my stomach. I am the typical emotionally unavailable person right now.  I’m annoyed by his over texting. I got like 2 hours of sleep that night, which should be a good thing but just put me in a crappy mood. I didn’t want to even talk to him the next day, but he was texting me by 6 am. And get this shit! He wants to take a day trip to freakin Universal Studios. So I guess that is another date, a real, all day, date thing with Matt? Life is flippin weird….. Should I go?

Stay tuned for more… Flat April has a real life date with a brand new guy at a sports bar next Wednesday night (because you know men save Wednesdays for the really special girls)


Add yours →

  1. When I saw the Magnum wrapper I was thinking oh wow, she didn’t mention THAT part 😂


  2. Girl, he absolutely overestimated himself.


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