Hey Baby, Wanna go on a Hot Date to the Local Gas Station?

Argh… men from the past. Flat April has many of them. I don’t understand what it is about them and their need to come sniffing back around. It’s like they have “single-dar” and just know when you’re single and ready to mingle again. They all slither out from under the rocks they live their sad little lives under, looking for a second helping of ego boost.

Ladies, don’t freakin do it! My ex fiancé was a “returner.” We first dated in 2012, then again at the end of 2014, then again in March 2015 and became official that April. If I’ve learned anything from that and other experiences it’s that if it didn’t work the first time around it’s 90% certain for doom on subsequent chances.  Not to say that sometimes it doesn’t work, but normally, there is a reason that man didn’t make a commitment or take things further the first times, and those reasons are unlikely to have gone away.

Ive had a few returners recently. I don’t necessarily count Matt because I contacted him, but I am wanting to share the story of returner Danny. Why Danny? Well, because I was actually forgetting the truth of the matter the last few days and found myself actually interested again.

Danny, Danny, Danny… you slimy bastard. I spoke with Danny first during my single years, most likely in 2013. He seems like a nice enough guy and fairly intelligent… but he is all games. I knew it back then and it’s confirmed now. Let’s just say back when I was freshly single and dumb to the modern dating game I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

If you’ve been single for any amount of time you know there are some men you get with and they just disappear and Danny was the quintessential ghost. Not even a BOO my way afterwards. I remember not caring that much back then after like a day or two, but I certainly never thought he’d ever come sniffing back around.

The saying is true though, THEY ALWAYS COME BACK.

I hadn’t played for years but just in the last couple weeks I started playing the “Words with Friends” game on my phone. If you don’t know it, it’s basically handheld scrabble.  One guess who starts a game with me… if you guessed Danny you would be spot on. I know, I know…. that wasn’t hard.

I accepted the game and I have no idea why I was surprised he started chatting with me. We have been chatting the last few days. Last night at 7 pm I get a message “Can I ask you a question?” Now, everyone knows that’s a freakin cliffhanger…. so I say “sure, what’s up?” And I wait…. and I wait…. and I wait…..    Its nearly 10 pm before I get the actual question of “do you want to text?”

Ummmmmmm…. I hate to think the worst but, yeah, that was intentional. Anticipation is a killer and he obviously knows it. He knew I was sitting there with baited breath waiting to see what this question was. Jerk face! So we are texting now too, against my better judgement.

Last night I tell him about a gas station that has good pizza we ordered from last night and he proceeds to try to get me to take him next weekend. On a date… to a gas station. Can we NOT do better than that? Are we going to eat our pizza and then check out the car air freshener aisle for the best smelling cardboard tree smell?  I found myself regretting not talking about the Japanese steakhouse instead… and I fell asleep, disgusted, without answering his text.

Then today he texts again, and it’s pleasant but he started to get a bit flirty. I hate to say I’m skeptical, but I am. I’m not just going to let some moron never contact me again and then think he’s coming in for round 2 of the same fiesta!!! This isn’t freakin Taco Bell, sorry buddy. No Quiero.

I called him out, nicely, and asked Mr. Suddenly Flirty what he did with the dude who I never heard from again. I guess he didn’t like that very much at all… got defensive and stated he would stop flirting with me.

DING DING DING!!!!

Flat April YOU WIN! You have officially figured out what his intentions were!

Listen, to all the ladies reading this. If a guy is really interested they aren’t going to play games. They are going to let you know from Day 1 they are interested and show it. They will not quit talking to you and come sniffing back around for seconds two fucking years later. Last but not least, they are not going to try and take you out to a gas station. Remember that last one, it’s very important. It’s a step down from the McDonalds value menu date.

Aprils second broken dating rule: Don’t revisit the past thinking the jack hole had some sort of revelation about you.

I broke it because I was actually feel interested and a little excited to hear from him. I almost let it go to far, and honestly, I’m just not interested in bullshit and crap right now. I mean, if he wrote and asked me to go to Prime Steakhouse with him I’d probably go, but who are we kidding here? That. Will. Never. Happen.

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