Flat April Introduces: The Men of Online Dating!

Because it’s pretty much where I’m at in my dating life, I’m heading back in to talk about online dating, which by the way, hasn’t produced a single real date yet. (partially my fault because I can admit, I’m so judgmental and emotionally unavailable still)

There are several different types of men you will run into online, and I’ve been more than guilty of judging them based on typed words on the screen. Some of them deserve this judgement and others I am probably too hard on. I can’t fool myself though, these men know how to act like respectful human beings, and some of them simply chose not too. If they choose to act like animals…. that deserves some degree of judgement.

Let’s take a look though at the men I’ve run into.

The Sexter

This dude leads right into the conversation soliciting sex. He thinks it’s brave, but really he has no balls because he will say things to women online he wouldn’t DARE say in person. He has absolutely zero game… well, except for his game of writing to every single woman online and hoping to reach that one slut who is open to a random hook up. Unless this guy is double wrapping that shit, he is high risk for transmitting gonorrhea and other random and fun STD’s.

Texts from a Sexter are blunt and not easily mistaken. They will look like:

“You are hot! Are you down for some no string attached fun tonight?”

“Girl, the things I could do to that body”

“I’d break the bed with you”

Advice:  Unless you are one of the women that are ok with this total and utter disrespect towards women, shut that shit down. I don’t get these messages too often but when they come I hit “Unmatch” or “Block User” faster than they can whip out their infection covered man junk.

The Too Familiar Guy

I don’t mean familiar as in “I know I went to Elementary School with you!” familiar.

This playa acts like he’s known you for years, and chats with you like you’re his damn boo from day one. He will chat and throw in random sweet nothings acting like he can’t wait to see you. He will call you names like babe, sweetheart, and honey during the first chat. Now, I know there ARE those guys who will call random girls hun and dear, which is a habit, but most of these men are trying to create a false sense of intimacy and familiarity in an effort to go in for their true intentions… sex….

Trust me, with these dudes, naive women will fall for this shit left and right. Some of their texts may look like:

“Hey babe, just heading up to the store and wanted to say I was thinking of you” (after 2 days of talking?)

“What are you up too sweetheart?”

Advice: Trust me, this guy is either one of those atrocious freaks who falls in love with anyone who talks to him and creates relationships in his head, or (and much more likely) he is a player to the core. Creating comfort and familiarity with a woman right from the start has worked for him in the past, and it will work for him long after he pumps and dumps your ass. Just say no, and run away. He’s not serious, and you can’t take him seriously.

The Married/Taken Guy

YUCK! They say upwards of 55% of men on online dating sites are married and that is SCARY!  If men wonder why women have trust issues you can thank these jackasses right here. When I was single the first time, I was hit on by more taken men than I was single men, and it really made me think differently of men in general.

These cheating lying mother fucking dirtbags will either hide the fact that they are single until you do you due diligence and figure it out, OR they will come right out with a lie about being in an open relationship. I’m going to admit that there are some women that are ok with an open relationship, but most women are not that forgiving.

The absolutely most crappy way to find out someone you have been talking to is married/taken though is to get that angry text from his wife asking “Why in the FUCK are you talking to my husband you skank!”   Talk about misdirected anger! Listen lady, you may want to talk to your dirt bag husband about that one… I know I won’t be again.

My favorite married situation though is the couple who is looking for another woman to join in their fun. I hope they find what they are looking for, but it’s not this flat April.

Advice: Do I really have to say anything more than “Run girl, Run”… If you don’t, the consequences are your’s to deal with. Can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

The Game Player

Nope, I didn’t say gamer. I can put up with a little XBOX action here and there, but these guys are straight up manipulators. They come on strong and show a lot of interest, then they back off to play games with your head. They know that you liked the attention they gave and by backing off their goal is to make you sweat a bit. The end game is to get what they want from you because they think you are weak. They want you to want more and assume you will be pliant, and maybe even sleep with them, just to get more of that attention.

These type of men have no intention of pursuing anything more with you than sex. If they really liked you enough for a relationship they would be consistent and wouldn’t risk you walking away when they pulled back.

They don’t care about you and they don’t care if you walk away because they have others on the line to meet their needs too. This type of behavior is dirty and scary because it means that the man is cognizant of manipulation tactics and how to use them, and ladies…. you don’t want that in your life!

Advice: Don’t get too attached to the idea of anyone in the initial conversations with them or even the first couple dates. I don’t care if you feel a kismet soulmate connection with their picture and the words on the screen of your phone.  It doesn’t matter if your first date was magical and fireworks were shooting out of his eyeballs….. judge him by his actions over a period of time. You are looking for consistency and him treating you like a lady. You are looking for someone who is trying to win you, not play you.

Mr. Opinionated

This guy may have all of the makings of a good guy when you start talking, but as the conversation goes on  you start realizing he has strong opinions about… pretty much everything. He may like to get into political rants. He watches the news and tells you how he feels about current events. He may even go as far as to make overly generalized statements about groups of people that could be found distasteful.

Advice: If this is your cup of tea, and you agree with everything this man says, then have at it. If you find yourself annoyed by it, I’d probably move on.

Mr. Impatient

Dude writes. You either don’t have time to answer, or you’re not interested enough to answer…. and at some point down the line your inbox has another message.

This message can take many forms. Most often it’s another attempt at reaching out nicely, however some men can take it to a level that you thought was only attainable by entering a warp world on Super Mario Bros.

More than once already I’ve been graced with the random GIF of someone tapping their fingers impatiently. Oh yeah baby, that’s going to make me write you back and pursue a lasting relationship with you!

The creme de la creme message though came just recently. When I didn’t answer a manchild’s message, 10 minutes later… 10 stinking minutes, I got the very subtley attractive message of:

“Fine, don’t take the time to even bother to write me back you stupid tall cunt! Fuck you!”

WHOA!!!!  Holy craptastic, what was that?

Advice: well, this ones up to you, but my guess is that if you had a chance and didn’t answer him the first time you aren’t really interested enough anyway and subsequent messages are just a further turn off.

The SUPER EXCITED guy!!!! 

I’m probably guilty of over judging this man a bit. This is the guy who is a bit overzealous. The nice thing about this guy is that he will seem normal enough in the beginning. He will be complementary, yet not crude. He will talk about normal things and actually want to get to know you and share about himself. At first, you may even find yourself thinking, “Wow, this is a guy I’d like to meet up with for a first date.”

But then, a few more messages in you start to notice a trend. He has a really terrible issue with overusing the EXCLAMATION POINT! DUN DUN DUN!

Its terrible, and it makes me sound judgmental, I get it…. but it’s so hard to take a man seriously when he’s sharing with you and all you can do is picture him jumping off of the walls like a hyperactive hyena. You read the messages imagining him telling his corny story in the worst fake car salesman voice you can muster, and the attraction level plummets so hard because of this! WHYYYYYYY!

Here is an example of what I’m talking about:

“Sure, hop on board the A-Train”

“Sure!!!! Hop on board the A-Train!!!!!!!!!!!”

*** This is an example of a real life message I got from a “Super Excited guy” and no, it wasn’t sexual

Just admit it, you read these two texts COMPLETELY differently. The first one was calm, relaxed and attractive. The second one, you felt like you were at listening to a radio announcer call a Tampa Bay Buccaneers game from 2002 after Mike Alstott scored a touchdown. That’s fine for football… not so hot if you are looking to date someone.

Advice: Wait it out and try to at least get a phone conversation in before you write this guy off. He may not be the most adept at conveying emotions through text, and honestly, that may be a good thing because he’s obviously not going to have women texting him a lot. If he’s exactly like you imagined when on the phone or in person… well, it’s up to you if you want to live life in a used car commercial or not. I’ll opt out.

The Short Texter

This dude will usually write you first. You will be receptive, and try to converse… until you realize that you aren’t getting anything whatsoever of substance back.

You sit there thinking “is this guy going to even ask me a question?”   Finally when you get your last “yeah, lol” text back from him, you give up and he disappears into the night, never to be seen again. These conversation usually last a little less time than it took you to read this section.

Advice: just move on sister…

The Completely Normal, Emotionally Available and Interested Guy

Finding one of these guys is like finding a diamond in the rough; a needle in a haystack; a Whopper through a McDonald Drive Thru. If you find one that you’re attracted too, who shows they are interested in you, is respectful, takes the time to get to know you, and progresses from texting to phone conversations, culminating in asking you on a real life date in a timely manner WITHOUT trying to get in your pants (can we say Netflix and chill anyone) then sister, say a HALLELUJAH! You have just hit the jackpot of online dating.

These guys are as rare as Tanzanite was supposed to be once the mine supposedly runs out. Go on that date if you’re interested and realize that this is EXACTLY where your standards need to be when you are online dating.

Advice: Just because you run into this guy online, and he appears normal , you still have to meet him and give him time to really prove himself. Don’t put all your eggs into this basket just because he acted appropriately before meeting. My ex did all this when I first met him, and granted years later we actually did end up engaged, at the time, he was also dating around with multiple other women and making plans to move in with one.  Geez, I wonder why that relationship didn’t end well… Lessons learned ladies, lessons learned.


Add yours →

  1. Did you really get called a “tall cunt”??? Whaaaaat?!?!


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